I was just thinking, "if only I could be..." then it hit me. Be what? More disciplined. Not a procrastinator. More certain about what I want to do in my life. Yet, someone told me last year that I set the bar pretty high for myself. Okay. So that means? What? I don't think that I'm a bad person and I have a lot of good qualities.
I think it comes down to what I heard as a child. "That was okay, but you could do even better." A couple of years ago I actually had to ask my parents, "am I not doing well enough?" I think I should have asked that as a teenager not as a twenty year old. It really changed the dialogue between my parents and I. My mom was shocked that I even had to ask such a comment.
This is probably why my husband well and truly has his hooks into me. He tells me I am great all the time. Everything I do is great except for leaving the closet door open while having a bath (gets humid in a non-ventilated place) and my pickled-plum pasta (which is actually really good).
Then again, I run around wanting to try everything rather than fixate and perfect one thing. Now I live in the land of fixation and perfection (ie Japan). The juxtaposition of the culture with my inherent nature has been a mixed blessing. And basically, as a guilt hound, I feel even more guilty for not perfecting things.